


If you were born with the weakness to fall you were born with the strength to rise

by shamelessnameless



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 13:58:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16019360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamelessnameless/pseuds/shamelessnameless
Summary: Sirius had bundled up Severus in two scarves and two overcoats before taking him outside very early on Christmas morning, watching the new day break over the meadow and the frozen creek. “To new beginnings,” he whispered and kissed him when the first rays of sunshine broke through the clouds overhead.Title by Rupi Kaur.





	If you were born with the weakness to fall you were born with the strength to rise

**Author's Note:**

> This work deals with explicit mentioning of sexual and emotional abuse concerning both Severus Snape and Harry Potter (to a lesser extent). It explores a timeline idea in which Severus and Harry develop a relationship that alters the course of history. If you need more detailed information to identify triggers, do ask. 
> 
> Timeline is somewhat canon compliant, yet some major deaths of the books do not happen and relationships are mostly different.

**January 1997, Grimmauld Place**

“Why is it,“ Sirius said from where we looked out of the window, “that we all get to be happy, just never you? Why do you think all you deserve is nothing and all I and Harry deserve is the best things in life?” Severus was not coward enough to answer that question, knew well enough that is was rhetorical; the low tension deep in his belly ever since waking up here and not in the infirmary in Hogwarts was increasing with each moment Sirius spent not looking at him. Sirius hands were clasped loosely behind his back, his wand dangling from one of them, his broad shoulders stiff. His silhouette was softly illuminated from the light of the dying day outside.

The silence went on for a few long minutes.

“I’m sorry,” Severus said at last, “I couldn’t have known that Lucius and the Dark Lord had concocted a scheme to test my loyalties, Sirius. I believed them firmly proved to both of them after…”

“This isn’t about them,” Sirius said very softly. He still didn’t turn around. “I told you not to go. I told you what Draco had told Harry. I told you not to-“ “Dumbledore wanted me to,” Severus interrupted, a weird sort of dizziness dancing as bright spots in front of his eyes as he tried to sit up, “it was important for the Order, we cannot yet trust a child’s intricate knowledge of his own father’s ambitions and wishes, Draco still needs training and you-”

“Just,” Sirius said and at last he turned and looked at Severus with bloodshot eyes, “just don’t defend your decision and let me say this, ok? Remus and Tonks found you in Cokeworth, Severus. They had difficulties bringing you in due to your injuries and the weather and they believed some of your special friends to still be on your tail. Apparently, you didn’t want to go with them; apparently, you thought you must first get the punishment you deserved before coming to me. When they finally got you here, Poppy wasn’t sure you would pull through at first until we discovered a counter charm to the one they had put on your memory. Harry was completely distraught, unsurprisingly so, and would pester me on and on about staying until you felt better. I sat next to your bed for the last five days and you know what I kept thinking?”

Severus shook his head, even though he had more than a small inkling but a Slytherin’s pride could not run in a trap so insipidly sat even if he would also bet that him being more agreeable would do wonders to soothe Sirius ire.

“What was he doing in Cokeworth,” Sirius said, “that was what I was thinking. They wouldn’t have taken him there from Wiltshire; there wouldn’t be any point to dump you anywhere else that would inconvenience them so. No, I thought; it is most likely that after they had him relive some of his worst memories, his mind somehow tripped up and for some reason he thought it a good idea to go back to Cokeworth.” Sirius leaned back against the window, arms now crossed in front as he regarded Severus with a look that was unreadable even to someone who spent a lot of time making sense of exactly that mind.

“So,” Sirius concluded softly, “why is it that you never get to be happy? Why do we take two steps forward only to take three back?”

“Sirius,” Severus said and tried hard to make his voice as clinical as possible, “you just said yourself that I was confused. I can barely remember what happened, but I ensure you that I couldn’t recall my own age, nor could I recall that I hadn’t been to Cokeworth in years. It seemed the only place to go to.”

“Apparently,” Sirius said very, very softly, “you kept saying, please don’t take me to Sirius, he will be mad that I fucked up. Apparently, you kept saying, please just let me die here instead of taking me back and seeing his disappointed face because he told me to not go and we had a huge argument about responsibilities and duties and even though I claimed that my biggest duty was to Sirius and Harry and their love for me, it only took an old idiot a few minutes of my time to convince me that I would never amount to anything, if I didn’t do my duty of constantly endangering my life for a few dainty little insights into the mind of the mad man that makes all of our lives a living hell.”

“I am sure I didn’t call Albus an old idiot”, Severus interrupted, but Sirius, when in swing, was hardly to be stopped by finicky interruptions.

“Apparently,” he said, slightly louder, “you still think that my love is somehow tied to your usefulness for the war, to the secrets you manage to vest out of Malfoy Manor, to how much Harry needs you as a potion master to help with his trauma, to –“ He broke off abruptly and took a deep breath, clearly struggling with whatever else he had wanted to say. Severus didn’t move, was much preoccupied with calming his rabbit fast heart beat that stupidly, dangerously beat a hard and heavy rhythm of don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t leave me.

“Severus,” Sirius said softly, “I won’t love you less if you stop being a spy – which I want you to – tomorrow and just stay home and brew your potions and insult Harry’s and my skills for chopping. I don’t love you any less if you just sit at home and help me spent my time and I certainly don’t love you less if you finally give up a job you clearly hate and stop scarifying your own health to a very masterful puppet master who knows fucking exactly what to tell you to make you feel like the Severus of twenty years ago.”

They looked at each other for a long while, neither saying anything.

“I’m trying,” Severus pushed out of his parched throat, hands clammy and maybe it was the fact that he sounded less than steady but Sirius was at his side in a moment, grasping his face in his hands and gently brushing kisses all over his eyelids and nose. “I know,” he said fervently, “I _know._ I just never ever want you to go back to Cokeworth again you idiot, I never ever want you to disregard your own instincts. I know you knew that Harry’s intel was sound. I know you knew that there was a trap being set for you and I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that you still left. The only explanation I have is that you still believe that you matter nothing to anyone and it’s just not true.”

“I know you wouldn’t try to let me get killed again by Lupin,” Severus murmured against his breastbone where Sirius mushed his face while climbing in bed with him, rearranging them until he had cradled Severus’ head on his chest, slowly petting his hair.  It was a sad attempt to not answer more truthfully to what Sirius said but it was all he got. Severus couldn’t believe that he had found a love like this on the best of days and certainly not on the worst. “Just shut up before your self-hate tendencies really make me angry,” Sirius said warily, “Harry is coming over later and if you think that boy can take even one more day of me being short with you, you are so very wrong.”

And he launched into a complicated story of what Harry had been up to in the last few days until Severus was well and deeply asleep in his embrace.

 

_______________________

 

**Christmas 1992, Hogwarts**

 Harry wanted to die.

After the dueling club; after having to have talks with the headmaster and Madam Pomfrey and McGonagall; after seeing Hermione’s and Ron’s shocked faces, after Percy saying that he would always be willing to assist Harry, after Oliver Wood telling him that he would still be playing for Gryffindor and that nothing would get him to find another Seeker – not over his dead body, after the whispers and thinly veiled curiosity and shock and awe and after Draco _Malfoy_ of all people defending him in potions, Harry was set to have to spent Christmas Eve in detention with Snape because if there was one person in the whole wide world not shocked by what Lockhart’s curse had shown – by now not only to Hogwarts only but to the whole wizarding community after the Daily Prophet had picked up the story – it had turned out to be Severus Snape.

He shuffled down miserably to the dungeons a few minutes short of 7 p.m., not in the least looking forward to Snape’s vile comments or the scrubbing of the cauldrons he was most likely to endure tonight. Harry’s mood had been as black as the dark winter night sky over Hogwarts in the last days and it hadn’t improved when he had caught a glimpse of yet another headline during dinner before Hermione had hastily stuffed the paper under the table. “Harry Potter molested by Muggles” it had screamed at him, the subtitle saying something about sex parties before Harry had averted his eyes, the food in his mouth tasting like ash all of a sudden. “Relieving your worst memory for all to see,” Lockhart had said grinning wide at Harry, “in your age kids, that’s still not to daunting but applied in a fight in the right moment, it might just make the difference between life and death and in my field of work it has been a constant, a steady charm facilitating my books –“ and just as Snape had said NO he had cast it and the faces of Vernon Dursley and his neighbor William Chanderling had appeared for any and all of them so see above them and then present Harry had watched them do things to past Harry he hadn’t remembered until that very moment.

“Suppression,” Madam Pomfrey had whispered to Snape who had made the memories disappear with a whisk of his wand, face as white in fury as Harry had ever seen it before he had swept up on the desk where Harry was rooted to the spot and clasped his arm to lead him down and straight away to the infirmary. “It is a protection of the mind to go on after trauma,” Pomfrey had continued, “it is likely that without the curse dragging it back up, he would have never remembered. Or maybe he would have after a particular traumatic experience; sometimes people remember for no apparent reason at all too.” “I am aware,” Snape had said in that distinct matter of speaking of his, “what I want to know is how Dumbledore could have ever sent him there if that barbarity of his uncle was known –“ and then they had left towards Pomfrey’s office and Harry had closed his eyes trying not to remember; the hands, the sounds, the splitting pain of it all, the shame and horror and all the tears he had cried in his little cupboard under the stairs…

“Potter,” Snape said from where he appeared to be waiting for Harry in front of the potions classroom and Harry quickly schooled his expression into something more neutral with the bad feeling that his face had showed a rather horrific picture of his emotions. “Come with me,” Snape said softly, his voice lacking the usual ire directed at Harry as he led them down towards the end of the corridor. “Where are we going Professor?” Harry asked when Snape stopped in front of a stone wall, gently pressing his hand against one of the stones in the wall. “I will tell you a story, Potter,” Snape answered, “but I prefer it to remain as private as possible and therefore we will use my living quarters, if you don’t mind.”

And that was how Harry Potter was told the story of Tobias Snape, Muggle, father to Severus, who had taken a particular interest in his son until Severus poisoned him at age 17. “It was my birthday gift to myself,” Snape said at the end of the story, voice as smooth as it had been in the beginning, “and I have only ever told one other person. Not just about his death; all of it. I expect you to guard that story well.” Harry swallowed a few times and Snape pushed another glass of pumpkin juice towards him. The light in the room was low and the fire spelt a soft glow on Snape’s surprisingly comfortable looking furniture, but Harry had felt as if the room was devoid of air when Snape had calmly announced that he knew what Harry went through right now because he had lived the same experience. “Of course,” he had added, “my personal experience wasn’t splattered all over the prophet” and Harry needed to quickly blink away some moisture he hadn’t realized was forming in the corner of his eyes until it spilled over. “I am aware of our history – Harry,” Snape had said when he led him back up to the Gryffindor common room, “but if you ever need someone to listen to you who knows what you are going through, you know where to find me.”

 

_______________________ 

**June 1993, Privet Drive**

Harry had locked his door and then pushed both his table and a chair in front of it, but his heart was still hammering in his chest, no matter that his uncle hadn’t laid a hand at him for the past four years.

“Don’t dwell on why he stopped,” Severus had said on the platform, eyes intense, “the main point is that he did, and you don’t need to be nervous about going back.” Harry had rolled his eyes and withstood the urge to grab a piece of Severus’ robe to – to have something to keep a hold on because if there was one thing Harry did not want to do it was going back to the Dursley’s. “Harry,” Severus said, “from what we watched in the pensieve I am very positive that he would never have done it without the influence of Chamberling and Chamberling will never hurt anyone like this again. So relax.” “Do I really, really need to go back?” Harry had said for probably the 50th time in the last two days and Severus had clasped his shoulder then, eyes sympathetic. “Yes,” he had said simply, “I have explained to you how the protection your mother has given you works. You will stay at your relatives’ house for four weeks and then I will pick you up and you will stay with me. They will not hurt you, I promise you that.”

And Harry had believed him because of all the unlikely things to happen that year, coming to think of Severus Snape as a friend and then a mentor and then, if Harry was very honest with himself, a Dad, was only one out of too many crazy unreal things in his life. He had fought a Basilisk and survived, had fought a younger Voldemort and survived and he would damn well survive the first night back at the Dursleys’.

And yet, Harry was terrified and sat up on his bed pretty much the whole night and the same thing happened the night after and the night after and when a week at Privet Drive had passed, he was close to dying from sleep deprivation. Hedwig shoohooed very demanding in his ear until he wrote a letter to Severus and then left despite being strictly prohibited to do so by Uncle Vernon. The knock on his door came just after three a.m. in the morning and then Severus said his name softly and Harry was rushing to unblock and unlock his door and a moment later he was clinging to Severus. “You idiot child,” Severus said softly and walked him back into the room without dislodging him and that was the first time in Harry’s life that he actually started to trust an adult ever. Especially after said adult opened the door when Aunt Petunia pounded on it to tell Harry to go make breakfast in the morning and then did absolutely nothing when she fainted on the spot except smirk very slightly.

 

_______________________

 

**June 1994, Shrieking Shack**

“Wait, wait, wait,” said Harry still holding up his hands to keep Severus from strangling Sirius and to keep Lupin from…he wasn’t actually sure there. “You’re telling me that Sirius did not betray my parents?” Severus snorted in a derisive way but to be fair he didn’t repeat that sound when they watched Peter Pettigrew transform in front of their eyes.

It was still a long night from there.

“You know that I am your godfather?” Sirius asked while the waited for the minister to interview Pettigrew. Severus had refused to leave them alone, had waited with them in the Shrieking Shack while Hermione and Ron had trudged back to the castle. Lupin was guarding Pettigrew in one of the other rooms, Pettigrew’s pleading a monotone tone drifting down on them. Severus at least had turned his attention to staring out of the window and had stopped trying to kill Sirius with a look. Harry nodded; he was still pretty much awed by it all. “That means I’m your legal guardian now,” Sirius continued, “so if you want…I mean if you have nowhere else to go…you could stay the summer with me.” “Sure,” Harry said immediately and maybe a tiny bit too fast, “sure, I would love to do that, I –“ “Potter,” Severus interrupted and his voice was as cold as Harry had last heard it over a year ago and maybe once again when he and Ron had tried to hex Crabbe during potions at the beginning of term, “your stay at the Dursleys is non-negotiable.” “He is usually in a much better mood,” Harry told Sirius who snorted. “I doubt that Snivellus is ever in a good mood,” he said, and Harry had felt bad when he saw a muscle in Severus’ jaw tick before he turned away from them.

Severus had not only gone out of his way to be with Harry doing the summer, he had given him private potion lessons, help with all of his other work as well as a shoulder to cry on about all kinds of stuff throughout the year. “Don’t do that to yourself,” he had said after Harry had found out about Sirius’ alleged past, “don’t dwell on what happened for you can’t change it no matter how much you wish to. You are safe here – with me,” he had added, and Harry knew what it had cost him to admit his protection of Harry.

The Snape of Harry’s first one and a half years at Hogwarts was well and truly a distant memory to Harry now. This new Snape took are of his needs, was a much fairer teacher, was a much nicer person than Harry would have ever expected. “I saw a glimpse of myself in you during that wretched duel,” he had told Harry, “and I knew I could spare you some of the pain of what I went through. I think I saved a part of myself I had long forgotten about when I got to know you better,” and Harry had had to avert his gaze to not embarrass them both.

Before he could answer, Dumbledore and Fudge arrived with a team of Aurors and McGonagall who very unceremoniously took Harry back up to the castle.

 

xxxxx 

“You,” Severus said in Sirius' face back at the castle, waiting for Dumbledore and Fudge to finish their interview with Pettigrew, “have not the slightest clue on who Harry is and what he went through and you do not get to come here and take him from me like this!”

“Take him from you,” Sirius said dangerously, “he was never yours to begin with. You betrayed your friendship with Lily, you followed the Dark Lord, you –“

“Abstained for my sins,” Severus whispered, “paid for them more than once and I –“

“You walked free while I was put in Azkaban”, Sirius shouted, “you have never gotten the justice you deserved, you never –“

“Don’t take Harry from me,” Severus heard himself plead and was promptly too horrified to say anything else. “I – what?”, Sirius said and then they were staring at each other for a very long uncomfortable moment.

“I…care for him,” Severus whispered, “I care that we do what’s best for him.” Sirius sighed harshly, hands tearing briefly at his long hair. He hadn’t changed much, after all, Severus thought, was still unfairly handsome underneath the strain of Azkaban, was still stupidly tall and broad-shouldered, temper still a volcano that erupted at any minute only to lie dormant the next.

Severus had been in love with him for over 20 years.

“Listen,” Sirius said, “I just came back. I need to wait for the Ministry’s decision and then I need to talk with a bunch of people, and then I need to find a place to stay because I sure as hell will not return to Grimmauld Place and then we can sit down in Merlin’s name and talk about Harry – even though I cannot believe I have to talk with _you_ about custody of my dead best friend’s child.”

Severus nodded curtly, not fully trusting his voice to speak. Custody, he thought bitterly, as if he hadn’t discussed that very possibility with Dumbledore before, as if Dumbledore hadn’t said, _Severus, do you really think I could entrust Harry to you with your history,_ and didn’t Severus know fully well that he hadn’t just meant the Death Eaters, that he had in fact meant, _Severus, are you sure you’re not developing a taste for something forbidden just like so many other formerly abused children,_ and had Severus not been fully robbed of his ability to speak at that moment so horrible and unfathomable had that notion been? No, Severus would never get custody for Harry even if he had started to love that idiot child the second he had seen the memories, even if his relationship with Harry had saved Severus from his ire, from wounds of his youth that had continued to fester long past a reasonable time. Once Harry had just been a child needing help only Severus could give, it had seemed almost ridiculous to think of him as James Potter’s son, as Lily’s son, as anything else than Harry. And still, Severus was realist enough to know that it wouldn’t take long before Harry would love Sirius, before he would be best friends with Remus, before he would reminisce with them about his parents in a way Severus could never provide, before he would be cared for in a way he never truly had, before Sirius would adopt him and Severus would once again be – alone and lonely and a sad sack of bones as his mother used to say.

He looked back up to Sirius studying him and wished the floor would swallow him. He had hated Potter, had disliked Remus, hadn’t cared about Pettigrew at all but Sirius had always been the most perceptive of them, had found out Severus’ darkest secrets by a combination of observation, guessing and spying and he had been ruthless in calling him out, ruthless in his dislike for Severus and he had known how much he shattered Severus’ heart each time he had made a comment that cut so deep that Severus had never been sure how he remained standing afterwards, had in fact enjoyed toying with Severus a lot more than any of the others. If love was giving a person the power to destroy you but trusting them not to, then Sirius had made a caricature out of that, though Severus was man enough to admit that Sirius never wanted his love at all, that Severus would do anything to never let Sirius know how he had truly felt about him for years.

Sirius opened his mouth to speak and Severus abruptly knew he couldn’t take it right now, needed a moment to get over all that had happened today but when he turned around, Sirius grabbed his arm. “Azkaban,” he began and then clearly needed to get his bearings before he could continue, “changes you. I am not like I used to be, and I don’t want to be like I used to be. We’ve grown up. I can see your contributions in the first war and I don’t doubt your loyalties, but I still cannot give up Harry just like that and –“

“Ah, Mr. Black,” Cornelius Fudge said warmly and with a grandeur that made Severus want to punch him in his face, “I’ve been looking for you. I am happy to let you know that –“

Severus didn’t stay to listen, left the long hallway to go down to the dungeons, arm tingling where Sirius had grabbed him.

 

_______________________

 

**September 1994, 12 Grimmauld Place**

“I didn’t put my name in the goblet of fire,” Harry said clasping Severus’ hand on the way down to the dungeons, “please, Severus, I didn’t do it, I –“ “I am aware,” Severus said pushing open the door to his private office, “that a child who can hardly delineate a simple potion would face difficulties attempting to circumvent a protection circle drawn by one of the most powerful wizards of all time. Which is why we must assume that someone at this school wants you dead.” “Well,” Harry said, “you know that’s another nice thing to worry about now that I don’t need to worry about you being mad at me.” “You should worry, Harry,” Severus said lighting the fire and taking off floo powder from his desk, “about surviving the Triwizard Tournament.” “Greaaaat,” Harry said sarcastically, “where are you going?” “We,” Severus said softly, “are going to visit your godfather who has impressed on me that if anything fool befalls you this year I am to inform him immediately. 12 Grimmauld Place!”

After his reinstating to the wizarding community, Sirius had moved back to Grimmauld Place after all even if Severus was quite sure that this had closely to do with Dumbledore’s planning, less so with Sirius fondness for the place. Severus could sympathize; the idea of moving back to Spinner’s End was unfathomable to him too. But as usual he kept his mouth shut; if there was one thing that had hardly changed it was Sirius effervescing whenever Severus said – anything really. It hurt, had always hurt, hurt even more so now that Harry was witnessing it all the time but Severus for all his skill and position had never known how to react to it and did even less so now. How he could still like Sirius and desperately crave a better relationship was beyond him but here he was – silently hoping and yearning that one-day Sirius would wake up and see the good in him. Maybe the worst part of it all was that he was pretty sure that Lupin of all people had finally solved the puzzle for he would often interrupt Sirius and make him apologize, eyes warm and kind on Severus. They were probably fucking, Severus told himself, mostly because that thought made it easier to be angry with Lupin for his meddling.

He left Harry to explain to Sirius and Remus what had happened and wandered aimlessly in the dark big kitchen conjuring up a pot of tea before he sat himself down at the counter and waited. The Dark Mark was growing in power and Severus knew that somehow Harry’s participation in the Tournament was connected to it all even if he had less of an idea how it was related, and he entertained himself with thinking about it until Sirius entered the kitchen.

“Thanks for bringing him by,” he said, and Severus nodded curtly. The months out of Azkaban and regular meals had done wonders for Sirius who looked as good as he had done upon their graduation. Sometimes Severus needed to remind himself how young they really still all were, how early Lily had had Harry. Sometimes he caught himself thinking _there is still time for you_ and then felt ashamed for himself, ashamed that he would still hope if all he needed to do was look into a mirror to know that no-one would ever want him. Sirius, on the other hand – if he was not fucking Remus, Severus was sure that others would be interested. That was the only way for him to think about it at all; purely in terms of fucking. While sex was something Severus craved principally, the idea of Sirius comforting Lupin, kissing him, holding him, taking care of him, touching him with these little notions of affections – it was them Severus craved, it was this kind of relationship he couldn’t think about without feeling lost in the world.

“What’s your take on it?” Sirius asked after a moment and sat down opposite to Severus. For once his manner didn’t appear to be spiteful and Severus kept himself very still, tried not to fall into any of the habits Sirius had told him over the years were annoying. “He didn’t do it, unless Dumbledore himself would have wanted him to,” Severus said, “I am guessing, and Moody agrees that someone made the goblet believe there was a forth school to enter and Harry was their only champion.” “I heard Karkaroff is at Hogwarts right now,” Sirius said. His voice had a particular sound to it and Severus had the feeling of being tested and found wanting once again. “The Dark Mark is growing stronger,” he heard himself say even if that titbit of information was yet something he had to tell Dumbledore, “and Karkaroff has always been a miserable coward. I believe him more likely to run instead of trying to get onto the Dark Lord’s good side before his return; he has betrayed too many of the Death Eaters to ever be save.” “Hmm,” Sirius said softly and once the silence between them had stretched for an uncomfortably long time, Severus sighed and said: “The Triwizard Tournament, Harry’s participation, the events at the World Championship and the returning of the Dark Mark – they are all pertinent and significant somehow, but I yet fail to see how.” “Maybe you should ask your old friend Lucius about it,” Sirius said, voice innocent, eyes anything but. Severus had a hard time answering; it was true that he had remained close to the Malfoys, was in fact one of Draco’s godfathers but then again, Lucius had done horrible things to him not easy to forget, things that he knew Sirius likely knew about. He probably didn’t know about the time Lucius had taken Polyjuice to look like Sirius shortly before Lily died and how Severus had cried when the person he most wanted to be held by in the world had ambushed him and assaulted him one night just out of Hogsmeade. At first, Lucius had only caressed Severus until he was a quivering mess under all that affection even though logically he had known that this couldn’t be Sirius, but he had played along until Lucius had transformed back, bent him in half and fucked him so hard that he couldn’t walk for days afterwards. Lucius had found it particularly funny and so had the Dark Lord. When Lily had died, Severus hadn’t had any tears left to give.

“I should probably have a chat with him,” he heard himself say and then he got up before his hands started shaking. “If you have nothing else pressing to discuss, we should return to Hogwarts. It is rather late,” he remarked looking at the big clock on the mantelpiece. He watched Harry say goodbye with a number of hugs and kisses and wished affection came to him as easily as it came to others. He could count the times Harry and he had hugged on his initiative on one hand.

 

_______________________

 

**June 1995, Hogwarts**

“Where the fuck are you going?” Sirius demanded to know and forcefully opened the door to Severus office, staring down at the suitcase Severus had placed on his desk. “Oh,” he said, voice snide and angry, “running away I see. Following Karkaroff maybe? Or are you after all taken in once again by our Dark Lord as you like to call him, by that quivering piece of shit, by –“ “Dumbledore is ordering me,” Severus said quietly, “to take back up my position of trust within the Lord’s inner circle, to place myself once again at his hands and mercy and if you wouldn’t mind, my preparations are rather urgent.”

That shut Sirius up for a moment. Then he said very accusingly: “Harry has just been through hell and you are abandoning him.” It was a low blow and yet effective. How does the always know what hurts the most, Severus wondered. As far as he was aware, Sirius was not a Legilimens, but then again what did he know after all about the oldest Black son. He had only watched him for years without figuring out why he could be kind one moment only to hurt you all the more the next – even it that particular quality was mostly used on Severus, very rarely on Remus and never on Harry. “You will take care of him,” he said and tried not to dwell on how much that thought hurt. “Severus,” Sirius said, and Severus couldn’t remember another time he has used his first name like that, “Harry loves me, but he needs you right now. Isn’t your Dark Lord likely to kill you once he sets eyes on you? Don’t be a fool and run blindly towards danger just because you’re being ordered to; even you must realize that that makes you just yet another pawn.” “And what would you have me do?” Severus whispered, because for once he couldn’t hold it back in, “disobey my employer and the only person lending me any sort of credibility? Cover like a coward and wait for the Dark Lord to find and kill me? Not do anything I can to help Harry? I do not get to make a choice in this; my choice has been made years ago when I didn’t withstand the Dark Lord’s temptations.”

“You were a child back then,” Sirius said softly, “don’t you think it’s time to forgive a what – 16, 17-year-old? Dumbledore is not the only person that matters in the Order; if a consensus is reached against using you as a spy, there will not be much he can do.” Severus closed his eyes briefly. For all that day had brought – Harry and Diggory disappearing with a portkey only one of them returning alive; finding the real Moody down in his own luggage; Harry clinging to him and crying in the infirmary until Sirius had arrived; Sirius sitting down next to both of them and making no move to dislodge Harry just rubbing his back, his body so close to Severus that he could smell the cologne he was using; the talk with Dumbledore and now this talk with Sirius down here, Severus wasn’t sure which was the worst part. Probably not Voldemort returning – he had known all along that this day would come. Maybe Harry saying over and over again that he couldn’t save Cedric, that he was so sorry and Severus being out of words to help with his sorrow only repeating that it wasn’t his fault, never his fault, that he had done tremendously well, while Sirius watched him with dark eyes.

“You have never been kind to me, Sirius,” he said and tried to give his voice a nasty tone, “which has the benefit of seeing me for how I truly am. Don’t fool yourself on which choices I would make today.” The words hurt but they were in line with what Sirius thought about him anyway and where thus more likely to get him to back off. “A few months ago, I would have believed this crap,” Sirius said, “but we just spent a full-term getting Harry through the Tournament. I’ve seen more of you than ever before and I am starting to agree with Remus; what you say and do is so far off from what you think and want, it’s ridiculous.” “Thank you for yet another insult,” Severus said dryly and reached out to grab a few Dreamless Sleep bottles from one of his top shelves when Sirius reached out and spun him around. “Severus,” he said in a slow voice, eyes intense, “let us talk it through first. Stay with Harry for a few more days. Don’t be so self-sacrificing just because your opinion of yourself is so low.” It was peculiar, Severus thought, that he had never realized that Sirius eyes were less dark than he had thought.

“I can’t,” he said and that was that.

 

_______________________

 

**August 1995, 12 Grimmauld Place**

Because Severus’ life was a shit show as it was, Dumbledore ordered him to lay low at the Order’s headquarters for a few days before returning to Hogwarts after his stay with the Dark Lord which gave Severus the unfortunate pleasure of picking himself back up right in front of the very perceptive eyes of Sirius Black.

Sirius looked as good as always when Severus stumbled in on a hot August night just shortly before midnight. He knew he reeked and looked disgusting and all he wanted were about 14 painkilling potions and a dark room but instead he got Sirius Black.

“You look like shit,” Sirius said and Severus – stood there and shattered in a million pieces because of course. Of course, Sirius would never see him for anything else, would always hate him, no matter that he had sold his soul in the last few weeks to prove that he was different after all, had never really believed the blood superiority shit, had never really followed the way the others had.

“Sorry,” Sirius said, “figure of speech. Firewhiskey?” Severus declined, dragged himself up to one of the rooms and fell asleep with his clothes still on.

 

xxxxx

 

“Listen,” Sirius said three days later, “there is something that came up and I wanted to talk with you about it, but it’s sort of too late now. Before you tear me a new one, I need you to know that I didn’t really have a choice.” He took a deep breath and the part of Severus that was always interested in Sirius registered that he looked nervous; all the other parts of Severus that were still reeling from the Dark Lord’s treatment were very much not interested.

Sirius took out a scroll and placed it in front of him and Severus should maybe consider switching to Divination classes because he knew what it was before Sirius was done unrolling the papers fully. Adoption certificate, it read, of Harry James Potter and at the bottom they were signed by one Sirius Black.

Severus felt numb.

“Chanderling moved back from a position in India,” Sirius said after a moment, “and I went behind Albus’ back and did that. He wasn’t happy to say the least, but I can’t bring myself to care; you should have seen Harry’s face when I picked him up and showed him.” Severus didn’t reply. Maybe he was dreaming. “Listen,” Sirius said again, “I know that you feel like his Dad and I know that he feels like your son. But my legal footing is stronger than yours and I needed a solution fast and you couldn’t have adopted him anyway – what would your Dark Lord have said about it? I don’t plan on imposing in any way on your relationship; that piece of paper is just a bloody piece of paper after all.”

“I –“, Severus said and then found that there was nothing else to say. So he got up instead and ignored Sirius calling him after him and locked himself into a room in a house he hated and didn’t think for a very long time.

 

xxxxx

 

Dumbledore, Sirius and Remus all emerged from Severus’ memories with Voldemort out of the pensieve looking spooked as hell. Well, if Severus was honest, Dumbledore looked rather calculating and deep in thought, Remus looked close to tears and Sirius – looked livid. “I will never forgive you for this,” he said and for a moment Severus wanted to protest, before he realized that Sirius was addressing Dumbledore. “You know you can do this shit with him because he has nothing left to defend himself with,” Sirius said in a voice Severus had never heard before, “you use him like a fucking crutch because you know he will do anything to prove himself again and again. Maybe you should ask yourself some hard questions of how different you are from his Dark Lord after all.” He slammed the door on his way out.

 

xxxxx

 

“Here,” Sirius said, voice gruff, a tablet trailing behind him, “have some food. I haven’t seen you eat since you came back.” “I ate,” Severus said softly and sat up on his bed. The room was illuminated only by the soft glow of the fire and before Sirius had entered. Severus had almost felt peaceful, almost accomplished for what he had done. Sure, it was disgusting how he had been treated, the things Lucius had done to him again, but Severus had had them happening before, had survived them before, would survive them again and again and again if asked.

“Sorry for the show down there,” Sirius said after he had floated the tablet over to Severus and sat down on the lounge chair, “I guess nobody is surprised that I haven’t had my emotions in check,” Severus stirred the soup, not knowing what to say. “Harry talks about you all the time,” Sirius said after a moment, “maybe him caring about you is contagious.” “Maybe,” Severus said, trying to hide the flush on his cheeks. Sirius pressed his shoulder before leaving and Severus said there for a long while spoon halfway up to his mouth without moving.

 

_______________________ 

**November 1995, 12 Grimmauld Place**

It became a sort of routine, in the worst possible way. The Dark Lord would call, Severus would go and upon his return he would spent a few days at Grimmauld Place to get his bearing back, to give his memories to the pensieve, to give his report to the Order. Sirius had taken on work with the Aurors and was out of the house at times but somehow managed to be there every time Severus was in particular bad shape.

And so, on one frosty November morning, Severus fell out of the fireplace on all fours and threw up in Sirius’ kitchen right in front of both him and Lupin.

“Get him some potion out of my cabinet,” Sirius said while supporting his head that had somehow grown so heavy Severus couldn’t lift it himself, “Severus, can you update us on what’s going on, or will you just try to continue throwing up your insides in my kitchen?” Severus tried to twist away from him only to have Sirius strengthen his hold. “Don’t do that you idiot”, he said softly, “tell me what’s wrong so I can help. Is it a curse?” Severus shook his head weakly, and Sirius settled him more fully against his surprisingly well-muscled chest. Don’t think about his chest, Severus thought desperately and then Lupin was finally back with the potion and some of the torment in his belly disappeared.

Sirius entered his room later that day and sat down beside him. Trust him to not care that Severus was sleeping even if he was feigning sleep. “It wasn’t a curse or charm at all, was it,” he said after a moment and then very, very lightly rested his hand on top of Severus’ back. “They had two kids,” Severus said after a long moment and he wouldn’t have recognized his own voice, “a girl and a boy. When they took the boy in so that everyone could take his turn, he said, he wouldn’t mind because Daddy did that all the time, just that they should leave his sister in peace like Daddy had promised before.” Severus shuddered, and Sirius started rubbing his back very, very slowly. “He was six,” Severus managed to say after a moment and then he couldn’t go on, couldn’t describe what had happened to the child and then to his sister and then to their parents. “How old were you?” Sirius asked after a moment and Severus felt as if the world was spinning out of its axis. “Five,” he heard himself answer against his will and Sirius slipped his hand to his head and petted his hair instead of his back. “I figured it out when Harry couldn’t stop going on and on how well you had helped him, so stop freaking out,” he whispered, “no judgement here, Severus. I’m just sorry that I didn’t know when we were kids.” “Would have been a hell of an ammunition against me,” Severus managed to say, and Sirius sighed deeply. “So much of what you did makes perfect sense now,” he said, “and I am sorry I made so much fun out of your coping mechanisms.” Severus squirmed away from him then, suddenly feeling widely exposed and uncomfortable even if he hadn’t at Sirius’ admission at first. “Sorry,” Sirius said, “dinner is in an hour. Come downstairs, ok?” And with that he left and wouldn’t mention it again until Severus himself did many weeks later.

 

xxxxx

 

Later that month, Harry had obviously taking on a mission of making Severus remember how alone he was in this world by not stopping to ask what his Christmas plans were.

“I would love if we could spend Christmas together, all of us,” he announced wistfully one evening at Sirius’ table because somehow meeting up at Grimmauld Place over the weekend with Lupin and Sirius and others of the Order when had become something that Severus did now. Remus grinned and said that he wasn’t a particular good gift bearer, but Sirius eyes were on Severus only. “I wouldn’t mind if you want to bring along some of your friends, Harry,” he said, “Severus is pretty much living here anyways.” “I have a pre-existing arrangement in my calendar,” Severus heard himself say hastily, “which will make it impossible to spend the holidays in London, I’m afraid.” “Oh,” Sirius said, and the nasty tone Severus hadn’t heard in weeks was back, “do tell us. Is it hunting a few Muggle children to pin on top of a tree? Will you try to go out and drink a Unicorn’s blood? Or is it just that you find Harry’s and my company so disgusting you can’t be bothered?” “Sirius,” said Remus and Harry at once in a remarkable similar tone but Severus was already standing, already backing out of the door, already running like the coward he was, making his way over to the fireplace and announcing “Hogsmeade” before he realized that he had to take Harry back with him.

Rosmerta smiled at him when he emerged in her living room, but Severus made his excuses quickly, only noticing outside that he had forgotten his overcoat in London. Instead of casting a heating charm, he started to make his way towards the castle, shivering in the cold.

Every Christmas morning, Severus father had given him a particular special gift that lasted for hours and hours and was the most painful of them all and every Christmas morning adult Severus would get as drunk as possible to forget about young Severus’ Christmas. He wasn’t particular proud of it, but there was also not much he could do about it.

Harry, who was dealing with his own history of abuse remarkably better than Severus had ever had, should never know about it.

 

_______________________

 

**December 1995, Somewhere-in-Between**

_Severus,_ Sirius wrote, _I acted despicable and I want to apologize. I was in a foul mood and way out of line. The invitation remains standing; please drop by if you can. Yours, Sirius._

 _Black,_ Severus wrote, _your repugnance towards me is nothing new. I do not wish to spent Christmas with you, but I wish you and Harry a good first holiday as a family. Regards, S. Snape._

 _Severus,_ Sirius wrote, _Harry’s and my Christmas was enjoyable but slightly less so because of his grudge against me due to what I said to you. Let’s be friends again? Yours, Sirius._

 _Black,_ Severus wrote, _your ingenuousness is as apt as always, I see. We were never “friends”, we only shared a superfluous level of intimacy brought about by Harry’s relationship with me and you and the shared circumstances. Kindly desist from contacting me again. S. Snape._

 _Severus,_ Sirius wrote, _I don’t want that, for Harry’s sake. And I don’t want that for my sake. I think of you as a friend. Yours, Sirius._

 _Sirius,_ Severus wrote, _I know you can be unkind, but this is a new level even for you._

 _Severus,_ Sirius wrote, _I don’t know what else to say. Can we meet and talk? I am free on the ninth. Please._

 _______________________ 

**January 1996, 12 Grimmauld Place**

It was Severus’ 35th birthday and he had never felt less like celebrating.

Grimmauld Place as alight with candles and a Christmas Tree, some of the celebrational decoration was still up and Sirius was wearing a light grey jumper courtesy of Molly Weasley and incredibly soft looking pajama bottoms courtesy of Remus Lupin. Severus was in his usual dark robes and felt self-conscious in these bright, cheery rooms. Sirius and especially Remus had done some redecorating and while the Black estate remained rather dull overall, the kitchen and salon where shining in their makeovers.

“Have a seat,” Sirius said formally and offered Severus a firewhiskey before settling down on the couch himself. For a long moment they regarded each other, before Severus broke eye contact to look down at the amber color of his drink, feeling unsettled.

“How’s Hogwarts?” Sirius asked a moment later and Severus sighed. “As usual,” he said and once again they descended in silence until Sirius led his head bump back against the cushion and groaned deeply. “Severus,” he began, “I want to apologize again. I wasn’t really happy with you; Harry was wishing so much for a Christmas together and I wouldn’t have minded having you over either. I overreacted, and I apologize for it and can we just settle back into low-key insulting each other while getting the hang of how to parent Harry? I would certainly appreciate that.” “Ok,” Severus said, and Sirius stared at him in shock for a long moment. “Ok,” he parroted and then got up with a curse only to return a moment later with a small wrapped gift. “Happy Birthday,” he said, throwing the present towards Severus before stomping off towards the staircase.

Severus unwrapped the gift carefully, not knowing what to think. Inside there were three shining glass bottles with the sigil of Swoopstikes wrapped delicately around. It was a thoughtful gift and Severus’ first ever birthday present.

“Not big enough for wolfsbane, I would guess,” Remus Lupin remarked quietly while taking the seat Sirius had vacated a moment ago. “He spent forever rummaging around the house until he found those, you know,” he continued, “made Kreacher go crazy and tired himself out to have them ready before Christmas. Apparently, they are never-ending, refilling themselves as needed in the same quality.” “I cannot accept them,” Severus said. Lupin snorted. “Good luck giving them back,” he said, “if you really want to make him angry, go ahead. He’s barely holding himself together as is.” For a moment, Lupin studied the bottles in Severus’ hands before continuing softly: “He spent half his life in Azkaban, more or less. You cannot expect him to do all the work here, if you want it to work out between the two of you. I see the glances between you; I know how he feels. Just give it a chance, Severus.”

 

xxxxx

 

 _Sirius,_ Severus wrote, _thank you for your gift. It was most thoughtful of you and will be duly cherished. I apologize for not being worth your time last Wednesday; birthdays are not a particular fond memory of mine. Neither is Christmas. I apologize for not voicing that I am somewhat lacking in festive spirits during these occasions due to the ideas of “presents” my father liked to give. I will endeavor to be in a better spirit next year. Shall we pick up the tradition of Sunday dinners as per usual now that the term is back in full swing? Regards, Severus._

 _Severus,_ Sirius wrote, _I might have ripped your letter in half the first time reading it. Nothing a quick charm couldn’t fix but still – why do you drop these bombs on me out of the blue? I would understand better if you were there to witness my idiotic face, but alas, you were not or at least I hope you didn’t transform yourself in furniture and are currently living a life in which I sit on you regularly. Joking aside, I am sorry for pushing. I am sure Harry would appreciate the reinstating of the dinners, he has been a big blob of sadness when we didn’t talk. See you next Sunday. Yours, Sirius. PS: It’s such a bummer your father isn’t among us anymore, I would have enjoyed letting him meet Moony in his other form._

_______________________

**March 1996, 12 Grimmauld Place**

Severus first noticed the scar during one of their Sunday dinners, fork halfway to his mouth when the soft white lines of _I must not tell lies_ caught his attention on Harry’s hand. The rage that overtook him was – not pleasant. “Potter,” he spat, making most of the others present – Sirius, Remus, Minerva, Molly, Arthur, Ron and Hermione, jump in their seats, “explain the state of your hand at once.” Harry at least had the decency to turn very pink.

“It’s a gross violation against a number of values of Hogwarts,” Severus seethed not shortly after in the salon, barely recognizing himself in his wrath, “she has subdued a student not just to emotional torture, she has had him endure physical torture as well, giving him a scar that will never fate, violating his trust in the teaching body of Hogwarts as a whole –“ “Breathe,” Sirius said, voice completely blank, “before you keel over Severus. I doubt you have to convince any of us that she should have done what she did. Harry at least seems pretty unfazed by it and –“ “Unfazed,” screamed Severus, “unfazed by having a dark quill take out his blood to write lines on his hand that –“ “Sweet lord, Severus,” Minerva interrupted, “let Sirius end his thoughts, will you. The man is after all the one to make any legal claims, we would do well to listen to him.” “No Minerva,” Sirius said quickly, looking rather worried, “we all know that Severus and Harry have a special bond and I value what he has to say, I just think we would all do good to take a deep breath for a moment.” “Doing that to a child,” Molly said, “she should rot in hell for-“ “Can I have a one-on-one with Severus for a moment?” Sirius interrupted quickly whose eyes had continued to follow Severus’ pacing. He waited until the others had filed out under complaints and remarks wishing Dolores Umbridge a horrible death.

Sirius poured them a rather generous amount of Whiskey before sitting down. “Sweet Jesus,” he mumbled, “talk about fucked up news. Will you sit for a moment? Your pacing is making me even more mental.” “She violated him,” Severus pressed out, still pacing, “she violated him, she subjugated him to physical violence, she-“ “Sev,” Sirius said and wrapped his arms around him from behind; Severus hadn’t heard him move, “Sev, relax, ok? That’s not on par with the other stuff, that’s not-“ “Someone violated him under my care, Sirius,” Severus managed to spit out, “I wasn’t there to help him, I wasn’t-“ “Shh, god, you idiot, shh”, Sirius said and tightened his hold, “that’s not what’s happening here. You didn’t abandon him or something; you didn’t betray his trust. He thought it too small to even mention it. Just breathe for a minute and let us relax, ok? Just breathe, Sev.” “He thought it too small because no one ever takes his injuries seriously,” Severus said, “I should have followed up on him after detention, I should have been less preoccupied with other –“ “Stop talking,” Sirius interrupted with a voice so soft that Severus found himself complying without thinking about it.

Severus struggled for a few moments to draw in another breath and then he stopped struggling against Sirius’ hold on him, relaxed into his arms until Sirius nudged him to turn around and tugged him back close a moment later. “Having a panic attack on something so trivial, I seriously don’t envy you your mental health,” he murmured softly teasing and stroked down Severus’ back. “I let him down,” Severus whispered again, and Sirius sighed and said: “No, you didn’t. I agree it isn’t super awesome that he didn’t tell us before, but you didn’t, alright? I’m his adopted Dad and I see him every week and didn’t see it. Talk about being perceptive; maybe I should quit the Aurors while I am at it.” Severus huffed and then didn’t look at Sirius when he let go of him.

“You know, you accepting my help willingly is a whole new level in our relationship,” Sirius said after a moment and Severus turned red. “My name is not Sev,” he said in lieu of answering and watched Sirius smirk out of the corner of his eye.

 

_______________________

 

**June 1996, Ministry of Magic, Department of Mysteries**

In the end, Severus thought, it shouldn’t have surprised him that he failed at what Dumbledore had set him out to do. From the moment of Harry’s warning in front of Umbridge, from the moment where the possibility that Sirius was a prisoner of the Dark Lord entered his mind, Severus knew that his path was set before him.

“You can’t join, Snape,” Moody said, “it would blow your cover,” and Severus was about to blow Moody a new one when Sirius came rushing down the stairs. “I need to come,” he told him, because of all the people in the room, Sirius was the only one who would understand. “He’s coming,” Sirius said, tone brooking no arguments, “we need everyone and let’s go. We are running late as is.”

The battle was fiercer than Severus had thought; the face of Lucius once he fired his first curse at him was one he never forgot. He knew that Bellatrix was out for blood, particularly Sirius’ blood and what did it matter in the end that he managed to block her death curse set for Sirius only to get sectumsempra’d a moment later by Lucius; what did it matter that he was bleeding out but Sirius was alive and Harry was alive and Dumbledore was there and Remus – was trying to stop the bleeding. “Merlin’s beard,” he cursed, “Sirius, get over here, you know that I am not the best equipped here to be in contact with that much blood.” “Move over,” Sirius said roughly, “Dumbledore and Harry have run out towards the main entrance and I want to see what the fuck is going on; seriously, Severus, thank you for saving my life, but did it have to be quite so messy-“ and it wasn’t really Severus’ fault that he kissed him then when he leaned down to work his spell; it was probably the blood loss. It was probably shock that made Sirius kiss him back. “I will tear you a new one jumping in front of a killing curse like that,” Sirius said, breathing labored, “once we are done here, you will be so sorry it didn’t hit you fully after all,” and Severus chose that moment to finally black out.

 

xxxxx

 

**June 1996, Hogwarts Infirmary**

Severus woke up to the weight of Harry Potter on his chest and belly, deeply asleep. “I can move him, if you want,” Sirius said softly to his left and Severus turned his head with an effort to regard him. “It’s alright,” he said with a voice weaker than he liked and Sirius smiled at him, a soft, little, private smile that Severus had only seen directed at Harry before. His heart beat picked up a little after that.

“You’re the big hero of the moment, you know, saving Harry Potter’s adoptive Dad like that,” Sirius continued softly after a moment. “And is Harry Potter’s adoptive Dad alright or just pretending not to need the infirmary?” Severus asked him. Sirius grinned and stood up, coming to stand closer by Severus. “I’m peachy,” he whispered, leaned down and very softly pressed his lips against Severus’. “Could use a bit more solace,” he murmured and kissed him again. Severus’ heart fluttered when he kissed him back, not even noticing that the weight on his chest and belly was disappearing. “Does that mean you are finally going to get your shit together?” Harry asked slyly from Severus’ other side. Sirius jumped and cursed before pressing one last apologetic kiss against Severus’ lips. “Watch your words,” he said, but his voice lacked heat. “I’m just really happy for you guys,” Harry said grinning from ear to ear and Severus smiled when he fell back asleep to their banter a short while later.

He had always known that secretly Harry was hoping for this particular ending.

 

_______________________

**July 1996, Devon**

Sirius had been in a mood ever since Dumbledore had left earlier. Severus didn’t really know what to do; the thing between them was still so young and fragile that he had a hard time knowing how to deal with Sirius’ particular moods.

Granted, the prospect of having to try to regain the Dark Lord’s trust was very far from what Severus himself wanted to do, but then again; when did he have ever had a choice? Dumbledore had been insistent, eyes apologetic and sorry when he kept saying that Severus needed to go back.

“You have one now,” Sirius said later that day with Severus hot and aching underneath him, “you have a family now, you have Harry and me, you have friends, you have a life. I don’t want you to go and neither does Harry.” “Could we not talk about Harry in bed,” Severus managed in between thrusts and Sirius laughed at that and leaned down to kiss him long and deep, hand sneaking down to grab Severus to bring him off timed perfectly with Sirius himself.

 

xxxxx

 

“For someone who claimed intensely that you didn’t know how to do any of this, you are doing rather well,” Sirius said conversationally after they had done if for the second time that day. It was only shortly after lunch; Severus wasn’t sure he would survive Sirius at that rate much longer. “Didn’t know it could be good like this,” he whispered and cuddled closer and Sirius sighed deeply above him before cradling him closer.

 

xxxxx

 

“Just there, yes, fuck, exactly there –“ Sirius was chanting underneath him and Severus felt that he could lose himself in this, the motion and their scents, Sirius’ eyes tracking his every movement, the silken feeling of his skin underneath Severus’ hands, coming together and coming apart.

 

xxxxx

 

“Wake up, Sev,” Sirius was saying, and Severus was swimming to consciousness rapidly, waking up with a fast beating heart a moment after. Sirius was crouched before him, a tiny frown on his forehead. “You were dreaming,” he said and then nothing else, climbed back in bed with Severus and cradled him close, tangling their legs together. But in the morning, he seemed to be more distant than before, lost in thoughts. Severus caught him staring a few times and fear settled deep and dark into him then. Harry was still at the Weasleys’ and wouldn’t return for another few days; at least he wasn’t there to witness how fast Severus had managed to fuck this up.

At night, he hesitated, unsure of his welcome in their bed until Sirius was frowning at him again. “Why are you hovering like a dork in the doorway?” he asked and it kind of broke out of Severus then. “You idiot, Sev, you goddamn idiot,” Sirius said half an hour later with Severus securely wrapped in his arms, “I was worried because you kept saying my name and pleaded with me to stop last night when you were dreaming. Maybe your subconsciousness isn’t too happy with how fast things are going between us.” “But I am,” said Severus and sounded cranky and childish to his own ears. Sirius huffed out a laugh. “I don’t want to fuck this up, you know,” he said very softly. “Me neither,” said Severus just as softly.

 

xxxxx

 

“He liked it the most when I was whimpering,” Severus said while they were having tea on his porch, carefully not looking at Sirius, “he didn’t like it when I got too loud because my mother would be upset then; as long as she wasn’t bothered by it, he was free to do to me what he wanted. So, he didn’t want me to moan or scream or cry but whimpering and pleading he enjoyed.” Sirius was looking at him, but Severus couldn’t quite look back at him. “He liked to do it in the dark, so he usually did it at night. He liked me to stay in training, like he used to say, so whenever he traveled he would put a plug in me that I wasn’t allowed to take out. He never hit me, but he hit my mother half to death and then to full death when I was 14.” “How?” Sirius asked after a moment of silence. “She had renounced magic,” Severus whispered, “she didn’t want to believe in it anymore. She had decided to become a Muggle and somehow her magic deserted her.” He swallowed softly: “He became more violent with me afterward during the summers. Wouldn’t allow me to leave the house, would come to my room multiple times a day, would force me to say all kinds of things to him during it, endearments and promises I never intended to keep.” ”Starting to understand why you asked me if I truly wanted to know when I asked,” Sirius said bitterly next to him, “How did he die?” Severus swallowed again; something hard and bitter had sat in his throat ever since he started discussing his father. “I hated him,” he whispered, “like nothing else in the world. I wanted him gone. I brewed a poison and I…I –“ “Good,” Sirius said, voice very carefully neutral. “Good,” repeated Severus, “I don’t know about that. It opened up a door for the Dark Lord. All he had to do was tell me how proud he was of me, how much he admired me for doing it, that he too had done something unspeakable to his own Muggle father and I believed him like a stupid fool, fell for his lies like an idiot, did not –“ “Didn’t I say self-flagellation was strictly forbidden when I asked you about it?” Sirius said and put his tea down, “come with me. Let’s curse a few leaves out there and then make out in front of the fireplace, hm?”

I love you, thought Severus wildly, I love you, I love you, I love you. To be allowed to bear himself open like this and not be met with judgement, not be met with calculation, not be met with anything than outrage on his behalf – he couldn’t put in words what that meant to him.

 

xxxxx

Harry was grinning from face to face when he finally came from the Weasleys to spend the last of the holidays with them. “I would worry about me face getting stuck that way,” Sirius said and then reached out to cuddle him close. Harry was still grinning when he emerged back out of Sirius’ hold, glasses slightly askew, face happier than Severus had ever seen it. “Harry,” he said softly, and Harry grinned even more before tackling him too.

“I never thought I would get this, you know,” he said later that evening after Sirius had left them to discuss a potion component to take a shower, “a family. Not just care-takers or anything, but a real family. I thought I would need to marry and have kids to have that.” “I think there is still some time for you if you want to marry and have kids after all,” Severus said and tried hard not to imagine a baby Harry. It was probably too cute to exist.

“I know, I know,” Harry said, “but still. People I could call Dad and…well, Dad. You know what I mean.” “You deserve it,” Severus said softly. “So do you,” Harry replied immediately, “you really, really do. You saved my life back then. You made me like Draco. You saved Sirius in the Ministry and you –“ “Don’t tell him anymore about his accomplishments, please, he is insufferable enough,” Sirius said and grinned when Severus flicked a bit of tea in his direction.

 

xxxxx

 

Remus looked after Sirius who stormed out of the cottage like a man set to kill. “Sorry,” he called after him, “but don’t shoot the messenger and all that jazz.” Then he turned back to Severus, eyes apologetic. “But as I said, Dumbledore is fixed on that date. Return to the Dark Lord the day after tomorrow, return to Grimmauld Place within a fort night, latest within two before we try to start a rescue expedition.” He hesitated a moment and then continued more quietly: “That course doesn’t have a lot of supporters though. He claims he knows what he’s doing but not everyone is convinced, you know. If you don’t want to go, you shouldn’t.” “I will go,” Severus said softly, “but you must promise me to take care of them both. I cannot leave without your promise.” “Maybe I should withhold it then,” Remus mumbled darkly under his breath, “because I see myself rather firmly in the camp of hey, Albus, that’s a really suicidal plan.” “Promise me,” Severus insisted, and Remus sighed again, looking old and world weary all of a sudden. “I do,” he answered, “but you promise me to try everything to return to us.” “I do,” Severus said and looked outside to where Sirius had joined Harry next to the creek, both of them not speaking or touching only staring out at the water.

 

xxxxx

 

On his last night, Sirius burnt dinner, smashed the tea pot, insulted Hedwig and then locked himself into the ensuite bathroom of Severus’ bedroom. Harry had left for the Weasleys earlier, to celebrate his 16th birthday at the Burrow and didn’t it hurt to know that Severus wasn’t going to be there, wasn’t going to witness that rite of passage, wouldn’t be able to give Harry his present, nor a hug. Sirius would leave early tomorrow to be with them but had wanted this last night for them; if only he would return out of the bathroom, Severus mused.

“It’s too much,” Sirius said a few hours later after they had made love for close to three hours, after he had kissed Severus senseless, after he had pressed countless I-love-yous to Severus’ skin without saying the words, “will your Dark Lord not look at you and know the truth immediately? What else should we give to this war? We already lost almost all friends we ever had and our changes at a normal life to it; I cannot stand to lose you on top of it all.” “You won’t,” Severus said again, and Sirius sighed and buried his nose against his neck. “Come back to me,” he pleaded plaintively, and Severus rocked him until the early morning hours.

 

_______________________ 

**September 1996, 12 Grimmauld Place**

When Severus stumbled out of the fireplace two weeks and four days later, Sirius stood there, drinking coffee with a wild look in his eyes. “You look like shit,” he said again and Severus – Severus burst into tears right then and there.

He had never been so embarrassed in his life.

Sirius for his part didn’t appear to be fazed when he wrapped his arms around him. They were exactly the same size, some part of Severus realized again while Sirius pushed his head against his neck and rocked them slowly. He didn’t say a word until Severus tried to escape the embrace. “Don’t,” he said and strengthened his hold on Severus, “give yourself another minute, Merlin. You goddamned idiot, Severus.”

“What’s going on?” Remus asked from the doorway and Severus jerked badly in Sirius arms. “Out!” bellowed Sirius and sighed deeply when Severus was settled back in comfortably. “Let’s take stock, shall we?” he said forcefully bright, “I’d say you lost about a stone, maybe one and a half you didn’t have to lose to begin with. I’d also say given that I have never seen you lose your shit ever like that before, you went through a few nice rounds of psychological terror to ascertain if you were truly on his side this time around. The way you hold yourself means that something isn’t quite right with your left shoulder or possibly your whole left side and I am guessing you haven’t slept soundly ever since you left. Anything else?” “He wanted to feed my hands to Nagini multiple times, so I wouldn’t be able to do potions any longer,” Severus choked out and Sirius – giggled at that. “Of course, he would. I in the meantime,” Sirius continued in that same bright voice, “spent a lot of time with my adopted son crying to me about you, being forced out of all meetings of the Order because I made a nuisance of myself and was thrown out of the Aurors’ Department because I called our new minister an uncultured swine.” “Sirius,” Remus said very softly and carefully somewhere to their right, “let go of him, ok? He’s back, he’s ok, but now let go of him and let me have a look at him while you maybe take a nice little nap, huh?” “Never,” Sirius bellowed and tightened his hold and Remus whispered his apologies before stunning them both.

 

xxxxx

 

Harry was peering down on Severus’ face later in the day when he woke up in Sirius’ bedroom. From far, far away, he heard Sirius’ voice; he sounded as if he was shouting rather loudly. “He’s been at it for over an hour,” Harry said conversationally, “he’s convinced Remus could have killed you. Arthur already had to stun him again twice more. Poppy thinks he’s under shock and/or insane and Minerva wants to feed him to Remus if he doesn’t shut up soon.” “Thanks for the update,” Severus said dryly and ignored the fact that Harry had rather gained a few pounds in the last years when he climbed on top of him to nestle closer. “Are you alright?” Harry asked peering down at him and Severus decided that he would forgive him again for being heavy. “A lot better than I was 24 hours ago,” he said, “but maybe you could see to it that the insane clown down there comes back up here? I would rather not scrape him off the floor once Minerva gets pissed enough to duel him. He wouldn’t stand a chance.” “Neither would you,” said Harry happily and vanished out of the door before Severus could curse him.

 

_______________________ 

 

**Christmas 1996, Devon**

Sirius had bundled up Severus in two scarves and two overcoats before taking him outside very early on Christmas morning, watching the new day break over the meadow and the frozen creek. “To new beginnings,” he whispered and kissed him when the first rays of sunshine broke through the clouds overhead.

Severus didn’t think of his father once all day.

 

xxxxx

  
  
“Maybe you just hate me personally,” Sirius screamed at Albus when they all met at the Burrow for Christmas dinner, “maybe that’s why at first you didn’t want to give me Harry even though I _am_ his rightful and legal custodian! Maybe that’s why you never bothered to find Pettigrew even though the intel was right in front of your eyes! Maybe that’s why you come here only to tell us that Severus has to go again and let himself be tortured by a mad man who doesn’t trust him and wouldn’t spill a secret even if it would literally save his life! Maybe this doesn’t have to do with the war at all but with the fact that my stupid, ignorant father didn’t want to hop in the sack with you back in the fifties!” “Sirius,” Molly said sounding rather shocked but also a tiny bit intrigued. “Oh, sod off to hell, all of you,” Sirius said and left the table so abruptly that his chair toppled over behind him. “Let me talk to him,” Remus said before Severus could get up, “that’s at least something I heard from him before and know to be untrue...partly,” he added in Molly’s direction.

 

_______________________

 

**March 1997, The Forbidden Forest**

“God damn you Albus,” Severus pushed out while trying to keep them both standing upright, “what were you thinking touching that thing like that? I can tell from just looking at it that this time around you really brought yourself in a peculiar situation.” “It had to be done,” Albus said wearily, “it had to be done and I need you to listen to me, Severus. Stay here with me for a moment.”

And that was how Severus found out about Horcruxes.

“You mean, he won’t survive the war no matter what we do,” Severus whispered. The trees around them shook softly under the late-night breeze; Severus felt frozen to the spot even though spring had come early this year. “He won’t,” Albus said, “at least I think he won’t. There might be another outcome, but its path is obscured before me. Severus,” he whispered, his voice dropping even deeper, “and neither will I. I cursed myself well and truly.” Severus had a hard time following him; maybe the trees had come closer to smother him whole.

“I do not expect you to return to Voldemort again; your last report has been clue enough. He has started to fear for Nagini; he has started to realize that I know about his darkest secret. Yet, I doubt he is aware that within Harry a piece of himself keeps living. It must remain that way. And we must find the others before it is too late.” “Sirius,” Severus managed to say, “Sirius will kill you for not telling us earlier.” “And I would welcome it if he could do it without breaking his own heart in the process,” Albus said softly, “but alas. let us return to the castle my dear friend. There remains much to be done.”

 

xxxxx

 

Remus appeared to be more shocked than Sirius, Severus observed with a clinical eye. Albus had impregnated on him to keep the circle of knowers as small as possible before he had left his official positions “to die being of the most use I still can be,” as he had said; Harry had been informed and so had Ron and Hermione; between the six of them, they would need to find and destroy the remaining Horcruxes.

Severus would be more optimistic if Remus didn’t look close to blanking out and Sirius would look less…dead. “Excuse me,” he said now and stood, not looking at Severus, not looking at Remus and then he left. “Holy mother of Merlin,” Remus whispered, “Severus, are you sure? Positively, one hundred percent sure?” “Albus is,” Severus said, “I’ll be back in a moment.”

He found Sirius in his old room, dry-heaving in a corner while clutching and ripping at his hair. Their sex was messy and painful and quick and hard.

 

xxxxx

 

“Sorry for earlier,” Sirius said softly to him later that day after none of them had done more than pick at their dinner. The room was mostly dark, only the outside streetlamp illuminating Sirius’ face. “This is not how I want our sex life to be,” he continued, “this isn’t how I want our relationship to be. I mean, talk about being hit by a freight train, but still; I apologize for how I ambushed you.” “I hope you realized I was a more than willing participant,” Severus whispered. He hadn’t known anyone could be so tired, but here he was.

“Hmm,” Sirius said and rolled over to press them close.

 

_______________________ 

**April 1997, Gloucestershire**

Sirius was shaking violently besides him, one hand clutching Severus’ robe, one hand clutching his wand with knuckles so white, Severus ached for him.

“They are a fair distance from us,” Severus tried to reassure him, but Sirius made only a tiny whimper of protest and remained rooted to the spot. “I didn’t know they had such an effect on you still,” Severus said and carefully wrapped an arm around Sirius’ waist. The soft pressure he extended wasn’t enough to get Sirius moving.

“I hate them,” Sirius whispered, his face glistening with sweat, “I hate them, and they still hunt me, and I haven’t been able to produce a Patronus ever since Azkaban.” He heaved in another breath, eyes wide with panic. “I certainly can produce a passable one,” Severus said, “let me take you back to the portkey and travel back. I can come back with Remus; there is no point in you subjugating yourself to this.” “No,” Sirius said, “I can do it, just give me a moment; they took me by surprise and I –“ A loud rustle nearby had Sirius almost jumping into Severus. “Sev,” he said, “Sev, Sev, _Sev_ , I _can’t_ , I –“ “Black,” Severus bellowed; he couldn’t have Sirius having a panic attack, not here not right now, “get a hold on yourself. We will travel back, and I return with Remus.” Sirius looked at him with wide eyes and then brought himself under control. “You know, your commanding voice certainly has its appeal,” Sirius whispered. He straightened up more fully. “It’s a full moon tomorrow, so Remus is out of the question. Let’s go.”

Severus needed to nudge him only twice more for him to actually start walking.

In the end, Severus did most of the work, made sure to have Sirius close as he cast Patronus after Patronus on the Dementors overhead while they searched Umbridge’s house for the locket. It was easier to acquire than he had thought, Umbridge’s protective spells a disgrace to any true expert of defensive spells and Severus made quick work of them, mindful of Sirius’ blank nerves. The cocoa he served him back in London was laced with a few drops of Dreamless Sleep; Sirius never needed to know.

Remus eyes were dark as they looked down at the locket while Sirius nodded off in his dog form in front of the fireplace. “Only three left,” he said heavily. “Four,” corrected Severus with a heavy heart and wished for Dreamless Sleep as well.

 

_______________________ 

**2 nd May 1997, Hogwarts**

What hurt most, Severus wasn’t sure at the end of the battle. Maybe the numerous spell damages he had acquired; maybe the thought of Harry going to this death alone; maybe the sound Sirius had made when Harry had turned out to be alive after all; maybe, probably finding Remus and Tonks in that dark deserted hallway or possibly also Molly’s face when she had hugged her dead son.

Sirius had sat down next to him not too long ago, head drooping until he was nestled against Severus’ chest, deeply asleep. Both of their injuries could wait; others were worse off, Severus thought, stroking softly through Harry’s hair again who had crashed against Severus’ other side a few hours ago, not letting go off him until Severus had maneuvered them in a relatively quiet corner of the Great Hall. He could have taken both of them to his private quarters, he mused, but the hustle and bustle around them took off some of the edges after battle. Also, Draco Malfoy was free to position himself closer and closer with each passing hour until he crouched down in front of Severus, eyes longing.

“How long?” Severus asked him after a moment. “A bit over a year,” Draco whispered hoarsely. Harry stirred at the sound of his voice and after one last assessing look at Severus, Draco slid in next to him. Harry made a contented sound and moved away from Severus to hug Draco loosely.

“If you hurt him, I will end you,” Sirius said without moving an inch or opening his eyes. “Don’t intent to,” Draco promised, and Severus gave them privacy afterwards, instead turning more fully towards Sirius, softly pressing his lips against his hairline.

The years would pass, and he would still miss Remus Lupin’s quiet, steady presence, the youthful silliness Sirius had only ever shown in his presence and that died along with Remus in that hallway. The years would pass, and he would still see the shadow on George Weasley’s face and from time to time he would catch Molly looking at her family clock with a wistful look in her eyes. Harry would grow up and marry Draco Malfoy in a beautiful ceremony but from time to time he would arrive at the cottage in Devon or the house at Grimmauld Place without saying a word and Severus would feed him and hug him and tell him how proud he was until the demons in his eyes receded. Years would pass, and he would continue to look for Sirius automatically whenever someone said the word Dementors or Azkaban and from time to time one of them would knock the other clean out of bed during a nightmare. Years would pass, and Sirius would take him one morning to the townhall und marry him a in a Muggle ceremony, just the two of them, eyes so happy that Severus couldn’t look away from him for a moment.

 

Life wasn’t perfect, not for a long stretch but Severus didn’t wonder again if it was worth living.


End file.
